I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
