You really coming over, don't trick.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Still dying that you shit outside
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
