Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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