I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
