The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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