I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
should my penis look like a turkey
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
