I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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