Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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