I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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