You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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