I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
