I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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