Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
