i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
