I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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