it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Randomize
