The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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