Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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