Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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