Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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