no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
