the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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