He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
