Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
