That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
