Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
