Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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