I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
