I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
