i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
