12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
