My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
