She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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