I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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