I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
is that a dick in a sweater?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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