Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
