I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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