I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
