apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
