I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
