I hope mine doesn't look like that
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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