Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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