part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
