You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
