She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
