ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
