I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
