Your mouth is God's brothel.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
