It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
