i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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